Hiking O'Hara

Trigger warning: self harm, suicidal thoughts

In case you can’t tell, I have trouble with consistency. Each time I try to do something, I immediately fall back into old habits.

Three weeks ago, I had a mental health crash. I started cutting myself. I was planning my death. Last week, I finally spoke to a doctor, and got referred to the local Crisis Team.

I’ve been seen by them five times in the last week. Is it helping? Honestly, I’m not sure. I’ve always struggled with suicidal ideation, but this is the first time I’ve ever actually hurt myself. I have this thought in the back of my mind, that I don’t want to live passed my 40th birthday… Which is in 2 weeks. (Yes, I’ve told the crisis team this).

It’s safe to say, diet and exercise haven’t been a priority. Most days I have to force myself to eat. I’ve been even more insular than usual, and just want to sleep.

I’m seeing the team again on Monday, and hopefully they’ll have a date for a medication review. I’ve been on the same meds for years, and its safe to say, they ain’t working anymore. I don’t know if it will help, but I’m willing to try.

Well, I’m going to sign off here. I hope you all are safe and well, and have people who love you.

See you on the flip side

Jay