My why

In all the self help books, they emphasise that you need a solid ‘why’ to make any real, lasting change. So, I figured I’d give it a shot.

A lot of things have lead me to this place, and I don’t want anyones pity, but my life has been pretty shit. I was abused for years as a kid, treated like a nurse maid/slave, told that by my mum that ‘the only things you could ever do to dissapoint me, would be to bring home a girlfriend’ (gee, thanks mum, for the decades of being firmly in the closet). I don’t feel like going into more details, but lets just say, I would do nearly anything to avoid being like my mother. Except apparently, get/stay healthy.

Needless to say, I ended up with PTSD, depression and anxiety. Terrified of anyone raising the voice to me, or around me, or showing anger in any form. Afraid of men, intimacy and being myself.

At 25 I moved to a new city, met a man who didn’t send me running for the hills, finished my sentences, shared my sense of humour; and I let myself believe that he was ‘the one’. Cos, you know, closet. Completely ignoring the fact that I’d been in love with my (female) childhood best friend for decades. I married ‘the one’.

A few years go by, and my birth family starts to implode. I developed a shiny new back bone and started to stand up for myself. Including cutting contact with the abusive POS who had made my childhood hell. Then my mum died. And I finally felt that I could be myself. I’d been out as bi to my friends and husband for years, but now I made it public. The rest of the family did what I expected them too, and turned their backs on me.

Less than six months after my mum died, I separated from my husband, moved into my own place, and was starting to finally find my feet. Then I had a breakdown at work.

It wasn’t my first breakdown. They’d been happening every couple of years, my entire life. But it was definitely the worst. I ended up loosing my flat and my job, and being one step away from being committed.

That was nearly four years ago now, and I still can’t work. I live in a self converted campervan, partially because I can’t afford a flat/house. Officially divorced for about a year.

So, I guess you’re wondering where the ‘why’ is? It’s the fact that I refuse to be defined by my abuse any more. I refuse to end up like my mother, dead and buried before the age of 70 (from preventable health conditions). I refuse to loose the war to my mental health and kill myself (despite my abuser telling me I should stop being selfish and kill myself already).

I want to be strong and healthy so that I can make the most of my mobile home. I want to swim rivers, hike mountains and see the world. I want to live a long, happy, totally gay life. I want to be the Me I should’ve been all along.

To do that, I need to stop feeding my own bullshit. I need to stop pretending that putting on a hoodie over my pajamas counts as getting dressed. I need to let go of my protective fortress of flab, so that I can physically hike, run, climb, swim, kayak etc towards the life I want to live.

I’ve taken the first steps. I’ve started medication for high blood pressure, purged the van of junk foods, and applied for a course to become an outdoor instructor (that starts in September, so I have 8 months to make some serious gains) but I know from previous experience that I will always be ready to start ‘tomorrow’.

But, ‘tomorrow’ never comes, so it has to be today. Today is the last day of January, and I have the following goals for February:

1/ Eat 2 portions of veg or fruit at every meal.

2/ Follow an intermittent fasting approach to food, with an 8 hour feeding window (12-8pm). I’m doing this because my go-to ‘breakfasts’ are sugary crap like cereal or pop-tarts. And I rarely feel like eating in the morning anyway.

3/ Reduce caffeine intake. 1 cup of coffee/tea per day, and 2 glasses/1 small bottle of diet coke/pepsi per day.

4/ Drink more water. I used to be really good at this, but since moving into the van, I’ve been drinking less. This is partially due to the cost of having to buy water, and partially due to having to deal with the output…

5/ Limit bread/pasta to a couple times a week. I LOVE bread, especially warm, straight from the oven bread. Which means I’ve been eating a lot of part-bake rolls… I should probably buy stocks. And pasta is nearly as bad. So yeah, time to reduce it.

So, thats the nutrition side of things. Now, I am currently based in Suffolk, but after my MOT in 2 weeks (assuming it passes) I plan to relocate to the south coast. Partially, this is due to warmer seas/more water sports, and partially because its closer to where the college is that I’ve applied to.

Once there, I plan on finding a gym for thrice weekly workouts and swim as often as I can. I also want to hike every week.

In the meantime, I’ll settle for walking at least 1 mile three times a week, yoga in the van, and depending on finances, maybe a couple of payg gym or swim sessions. Finances are a bit (read: very) tight right now, so I’m having to prioritise healthy food and van repairs over a gym membership.

Ok, this is hella long and should probably be two posts, but oh well. Its my blog and I can do what I want with it. I’ll be back tomorrow to post my measurements… See ya on the flip side.

One response to “My why”

  1. You’re doing great! You’re doing what you can to get back on track and take steps to achieve your goals.
    Charlotte 🌿 🌊


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